Spam

Jedna žena sjedi u avionu pored svećenika. “Oče”, reče ona, “mogu li vas zamoliti za uslugu?” “Rado, ako ću biti u mogučnosti, kćeri moja.” “Znate, kupila sam jedan jako skup i posebno dobar aparat za depilaciju,ali on je još posve nov i sad se bojim da ću na carini morati puno platiti. Biste li ga mogli sakriti ispod svoje halje?” “Mogao bih, kćeri, ali problem je: ja ne mogu lagati. Nego, dajte mi taj aparat, nešto ću već smisliti.” Žena je pomislila: “Nekako će se već srediti”, i dala mu je aparat. Na aerodromu upita carinik svečenika da li ima nešto za prijaviti. “Od glave do struka nemam ništa za carinjenje, sine moj!” uvjereno će svečenik. Ponešto zbunjen upita carinik: “A od struka nadolje?” “Tu dolje”, reče svećenik, “imam jedan aparat za žene, koji još nikada nije upotrijebljen.” Carinik se glasno nasmije i vikne: “Sljedeći molim…”!!!

Tri sestre stare 92, 94 i 96 godina žive u zajedničkoj kući. Jedne noći najstarija sestra uspe vodu u kadu da se okupa. Kada je zakoračila u kadu zastala je i viknula sestrama: – Jesam li ja pošla da se okupam ili sam već završila?? Srednja sestra viknu: – Nemam pojma, evo me dolazim gore da vidim. Kada je zakoračila na stepenice, zaustavi se i viknu sestrama: – Jesam li ja krenula uz stepenice il…i sam pošla nazad?? Najmlađa sestra sedi u kuhinji, srče čaj i sluša svoje sestre. Odmahnu glavom i promumla: – Nadam se da ja neću nikada postati tako zaboravna, te kucnu tri puta na drveni sto za sreću. Potom viknu sestrama: – Sad ću ja doći gore da vam obema pomognem, samo da vidim ko to kuca na vrata!

Ovako je to nekako bilo kad je Bog stvarao Svijet Bog stvori magarca i reče: Ti ćeš se zvati magarac. …Rintat ćeš po cijeli dan i zvat će te glupim. Živjet ćeš 20 godina. Magarac odgovori: Uh, to ne zvuči kao dobar život. Mogu li ja živjeti 5 godina? I Bog pristane. Zatim Bog stvori psa. Bog reče psu: Ti ćeš se zvati pas, živjet ćeš kao podčinjena životinja, hranit ćeš od ostataka sa stola i čuvat ćeš kuću. Živjet ćeš 35 godina. Pas odgovori: To neće biti baš lako, mogu li ja onda živjeti samo 15 godina? I Bog pristane. Zatim Bog stvori papagaja. Bog reče papagaju: Ti ćeš se zvati papagaj. Sjedit ćeš u kutu dnevnog boravka, ponavljati ćeš sve što ljudi kažu i iritirati ćeš svakoga. Živjet ćeš 75 godina. Papagaj odgovori: Zvuči malo dosadno, a kako bi bilo da ja živim 50 godina? I Bog pristane. I onda je Bog stvorio muškarca… Bog reče muškarcu: Ti ćeš biti ljudsko biće, muškarac, i živjet ćeš odličan život. Bit ćeš mudar i pametan, i vladat ćeš i odlučivati sve na ovom svijetu. Živjet ćeš 20 godina. Muškarac odgovori: To zvuči kao jako dobar život, al’ zar ne bih mogao živjeti malo duže? (ovdje je muškarac po prvi put iskoristio svoju inteligenciju.) Mogu li dobiti onih 15 godina što je magarac odbio, onih 20 što ih je pas nije želio i onih 25 kojih se papagaj odrekao? I Bog pristane. Od tada muškarac živi odličan život dok ne napuni 20 godina. Slijedećih 15 godina rinta po cijeli dan, oženi se i zovu ga glupim. Zatim dobije djecu, živi od ostataka sa stola i čuva kuću slijedećih 20 godina. Zadnjih 25 godina sjedi u kutu dnevnog boravka, ponavlja sve što drugi kažu i iritira svakoga.

Što je Bog rekao Evi kad je pojela zabranjeno voće? - Krvavo ćeš mi platiti! A Eva upita: - Može u ratama?

Mali je Ivica silno želio 100 eura. Odlučio je za njih svaki dan moliti Boga, ali novac nije stizao. Zbog toga je odlučio Bogu napisati pismo. U pošti nisu znali kuda s pismom upućenim na Boga pa su ga proslijediti Vladi. Milanovića je pismo dirnulo pa je odlučio malome Ivici poslati 5 eura. Ivica se oduševio odgovorom, ali s obzirom na to da nije dobio 100 eura, odlučio je Bogu napisati pismo zahvale s opaskom: “Dragi Bože, hvala ti puno što si mi poslao novac, ali nemoj više molim te slati preko Vlade, maznuli su 95 eura!”

Polagali 13 kadeta za Policajca, i sada se sakupila komisija i tako oni stali u red, kad ce ti komisija prvom od 13: - “De nam ti reci jedno auto (marku auta).” Ovaj prvi ko iz topa rece JAGUAR, a ovaj drugi nije odmah skontao pa ce ti FEBRUAR. Treci MART, i tako oni svi redom ovaj dvanaesti kaze DECEMBAR a ovaj zadnji trinaesti sav se izgubio gleda u komisiju i sav drhti pa pruzi ruku komisiji i rece: - “SRETNA NOVA GODINA!”

hhahha super su ( bar pretpostavljam jer mi se neda sve čitat xD)

Qwa
Qwe
Qwi
Qwo
Qwu

whaaa...?

Glupiram se.

Q.Q

Y.Y

Could you check my pulse for me
To see if I'm alive?
Cuz every time that I am near you
Is the only time I feel alright
If there were any way
I could think to turn back time
I'd stay here with you
Sometimes I sit and wonder
Sometimes I feel like letting go
All I know is no one should have to be alone

I don't want to be alone
I don't want to die alone (die alone)
I could fall apart here and now
But I don't want to die alone

I want to be with you, you, you (with you)
I only want to be with you, you, you (with you, with you, with you)

Tell me what's the point of life
Is it material?
Had everything I could ever want and probably more
When I lay in bed at night
All I do is think of you
So when all this is gone what do I have to come home to?
This life goes by so fast
Pretty soon I'll grow old
What would I have but some stories now that I have told
No one to share them with
And when it's all done
What am I left with?
Tell me what's left

I don't want to be alone
I don't want to die alone (die alone)
I could fall apart here and now
But I don't want to die alone

(MGK!)
Leave me? (leave me?)
How the fuck you gonna leave me? (leave me?)
When I'm the one that's on TV
With these girls screaming
Outside with my CD
And I'm begging?
Naw baby, you're the one that can't keep me

Leave me? (leave me?)
Girl how the fuck you gonna leave me? (leave me?)
Uh?! you know I love you, when we fight and we argue
I kiss and I hug you
You push me back, you say that I'm trouble
But every Bonnie got a Clyde with her

Every woman needs somebody that's gonna ride with her
Yeah, and I can't go on staying alive if I'm alone
Pick up the phone and say hello
I'd rather die with her

Now my night's so cold
When your heart is frozen
Mine's exposed you know this
Try to blame the fame for the way I've changed
And you know those claims are bogus
Baby it's not me, it's us
Maybe now all we need is trust
Maybe this Hennessey will solve our problems
Baby pick it up

I don't want to be alone
I don't want to die alone (die alone)
I could fall apart here and now
But I don't want to die alone
(Die alone)
I don't want to be alone
I don't want to die alone (die alone)
I could fall apart here and now
But I don't want to die alone

Could you check my pulse for me
To see if I'm alive?

Could you check my pulse for me
To see if I'm alive?
Cuz every time that I am near you
Is the only time I feel alright
If there were any way
I could think to turn back time
I'd stay here with you
Sometimes I sit and wonder
Sometimes I feel like letting go
All I know is no one should have to be alone

I don't want to be alone
I don't want to die alone (die alone)
I could fall apart here and now
But I don't want to die alone

I want to be with you, you, you (with you)
I only want to be with you, you, you (with you, with you, with you)

Tell me what's the point of life
Is it material?
Had everything I could ever want and probably more
When I lay in bed at night
All I do is think of you
So when all this is gone what do I have to come home to?
This life goes by so fast
Pretty soon I'll grow old
What would I have but some stories now that I have told
No one to share them with
And when it's all done
What am I left with?
Tell me what's left

I don't want to be alone
I don't want to die alone (die alone)
I could fall apart here and now
But I don't want to die alone

(MGK!)
Leave me? (leave me?)
How the fuck you gonna leave me? (leave me?)
When I'm the one that's on TV
With these girls screaming
Outside with my CD
And I'm begging?
Naw baby, you're the one that can't keep me

Leave me? (leave me?)
Girl how the fuck you gonna leave me? (leave me?)
Uh?! you know I love you, when we fight and we argue
I kiss and I hug you
You push me back, you say that I'm trouble
But every Bonnie got a Clyde with her

Every woman needs somebody that's gonna ride with her
Yeah, and I can't go on staying alive if I'm alone
Pick up the phone and say hello
I'd rather die with her

Now my night's so cold
When your heart is frozen
Mine's exposed you know this
Try to blame the fame for the way I've changed
And you know those claims are bogus
Baby it's not me, it's us
Maybe now all we need is trust
Maybe this Hennessey will solve our problems
Baby pick it up

I don't want to be alone
I don't want to die alone (die alone)
I could fall apart here and now
But I don't want to die alone
(Die alone)
I don't want to be alone
I don't want to die alone (die alone)
I could fall apart here and now
But I don't want to die alone

Could you check my pulse for me
To see if I'm alive?